Ugh... On Gambling


Oy! I have had to work VERY hard lately to be present. I get so caught up in what I will do tomorrow, next week, next month, next year... I just have a hard time being thankful for right now. To others, I definitely always preach to not worry about the things one has no control over, but geez... if it isnt so much easier said than done.

Good things happen and I have a tough time just letting them exist as exciting without contemplating the aftereffect.

But, in thinking about it, I guess I generally end up reminding myself to ::not worry, things will be okay:: because I usually DO have control over them. I guess I find I am always worrying about my gambling problem. Running this art business is a gamble EVERY day, it feels like (hey-its an issue ;) )... so sometimes, if it starts to feel overwhelming, I guess I just think that if I quit then I wouldn't have anything to worry about, ha! Its "control" albeit at drastic measures... run a business and worry, or quit and dont!

But I know you understand as well as I do that quitting is not an option. Especially not now that I am so heavily invested- not just financially, but emotionally. Worries to the wind, I find myself sometimes really comparing my choices to a game of chance... every decision can start to feel like a roll of the dice, but somehow I get up and find something along the lines of ... courage? ... Confidence? To keep playing... banking on it all working out!

So in the end, I guess it brings me back from the ledge to just keep the worst case scenario in perspective. If it wont kill me, if it wont lead to financial ruin, if we'll still have milk/ bread/ eggs on the table... I guess it will all be ok.

Good things must just be taken and celebrated for what they are, without any further expectation- otherwise I can imagine it would be hard to be excited about anything! My husband scolded me the other day for not acknowledging life being too short to not delight in our baby steps... and if you knew my husband, you would know that was a BIG reality check... for HIM to tell ME that!

So that is my charge this season. To celebrate today instead of worrying for tomorrow. An old, but wise sentiment. To accept my "gambling" as more opportunity to push out of my comfort zone and lean into the challenges I know I can conquer.

And on the days I sometimes feel like I am really just flailing blindly... I will try to accept the fact that, on those days, thats the best I can do! And thats ok.